A TEXT POST

Way to set the bar low…..

Wednesday
If you haven’t seen the below video somewhere on the internet in the past few days…..you need to be on the internet more.

This is Isaac’s proposal to his fiancee. Set to Bruno Mars’ “Marry You”, and including over 60 FUCKING PEOPLE. 

Way to go Isaac. Every birthday you attend from now on, people are going to be looking for the flash mob. Every Christmas gift you give will get a snarl and dismissal. Let’s not forget about every single year on your anniversary when you wife expects a better gift than last year. Hey, at least you made her happy on this day. I’m glad you got her on video, because this is probably the last time she will be happy with one of your “gifts”.

Good luck, asshat.

 

 

 

A TEXT POST

Memorial Day MANday

Monday_header
While I was at the Phoenix Comicon over the weekend, my brother-in-law was in an event that I didn’t care to be in. I decided to go wait out in the hall.

I ended up next to a guy in a flightsuit. No big deal, I thought, there are people here dressed as animals, zombies, inanimate objects. Ghostbusters’ costumes are made from flightsuits, for crying out loud.

Ghostbuster
Or…*cough* a “modified” flightsuit. *coughcoughcough*

Then I talked to him. We chatted back and forth, and he was REALLY awesome. During the course of conversation, I found out that he actually DID serve in the Air Force for the better part of seven years. I asked about his flightsuit, and he said, 

"It’s Memorial Day weekend, I figured everyone else is dressed up, I might as well be too."

As I was leaving the panel, he handed me his business card and I shook his hand and thanked him for serving. Then it hit me. He was volunteering at this con. There are no paid workers. So, not only did he give the people of the US the better part of seven years of his life, he was kicking around Comicon, giving the geeks like me another one of his weekends.

Then I looked at this card, dude works for HARVARD. OK, it’s a seperate school of Harvard, but still….

Way to make me feel like I’ve done nothing useful with my life.

In all seriousness, I have family and friends that have served. Do not take thier sacrifice lightly. Tell them thank you, shake their hand, show your appreciation, ESPECIALLY on Memorial Day.

And, if you don’t have anyone to thank personally, go to Jared’s Facebook page, thank him, and let him know you appreciate his service. 

A TEXT POST

FFS Friday!

Paul is dead. Paul is dead. Paul is dead.

Remember when parents everywhere lost their shit because they thought their kids’ Beatles album was speaking to them when played backwards?

Apparently, we were WAY off base, seeing as how Paul is the last one left……..what?? What do you mean Ringo is still alive? 

Unless you believe James Richards.

Mr. Richards tells his story of knocking himself unconcious, to wake up in a parallel universe, being convalesced by a man named Jonas, who had in his possession an unreleased (in our dimension) Beatles TAPE. He explains that the Beatles never broke up, were all alive and well, and still touring.

Beatles
Abbey Road is thier bitch.

Mr. Richards then went back through the magic portal to our dimension, having pilfered the tape from Jonas, and put all the songs on the internet for everyone to enjoy.

F.F.S.

I’m a huge fan of Fringe, which more or less is dealing with the “alternate dimensions” storyline. But, I mean….c’mon.

FFS, if these people had a DIMENSIONAL PORTAL, why would they still be using CASSETTE TAPES.

I’m sure I could poke another few holes in his theory, but I just can’t come up with the energy to put into this nutjob.

A TEXT POST

FFS Friday!

I came across this gem a week or so ago……

Barneys of New York isn’t known for thier ability to pander themselves to middle class America, but some would argue that the products Barneys pimps are of high enough quality and fashion to demand the exorbitant prices.

And then there’s this……

Admittedly, I know absolutely ZERO about fashion, but there is a gentleman named Maison Martin Margiela, a Belgian designer who is so fashionable, his website looks like DOS, even while running a High Def FLASH SLIDESHOW RIGHT ON IT. 

So, imagine my surprise, when this “designer” creates these sneakers for sale.

Ffs0511
For the low price of $525 DOLLARS, you too can just look like you have partaken in a home improvement task, without doing any of the work. Oh, and they’re not available until JUNE.

Seriously, I have shoes that look like this after doing crafts with my children……except mine have glitter on them too. Find me a Payless, give me an hour, and I can make you 4 or 5 pairs for less than 50 bucks.

If you like these shoes, or would buy them, FFS, get your head out of your ass.

A TEXT POST

FFS Friday!

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned…..

Especially when that woman is an ex-girlfriend that you decide to trust with sharp objects and a stock of nitrous oxide.

See, this guy, Marek Olszewski, from the Polish city of Wroclaw, decided to ask for help from his ex-girlfriend whom he split with days earlier.

Mr. Olszewski had a toothache. His ex-girlfriend was a dentist.

Of course, she offered to help out this great guy who just made her spend the last 2 or 3 days in a dark closet, hugging her knees, listening to Sinead O’Connor, running her local corner store out of Hagen-Dazs, defacing every picture of them as a couple, and basically ugly crying as much as humanly possible.

Mr. Olszewski awoke missing his teeth. EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. ONE.

F.F.S.

The woman in question, Anna Mackowiak, had this to say about it:

"I tried to be professional and detach myself from my emotions," Mackowiak is quoted as saying. "But when I saw him lying there I just thought, ‘What a bastard’ and decided to take all his teeth out."

……………………………………………………………………………….*cough*

Dentist

Congrats! Match.com has a 99% match for you!

A TEXT POST

Recognize Greatness

A few weeks ago, legendary basketball coach Pat Summitt retired.

Do you know LEGENDARY coach Pat Summitt?

SHE led the Tennessee Lady Volunteers to eight national championships, second only to UCLA’s coach John Wooden, and she won a total of 1,071 career games, the most of ANY NCAA basketball coach ever, REGARDLESS OF GENDER. Oh, by the way, she’s in the Hall of Fame. Not just the Women’s Hall of Fame, but right there with the boys’ Hall of Famers too.

Summitt

Doug Benc/Getty Images

So, she’s pretty awesome.

She retired at age 59 because of early onset dementia.

I admit, I didn’t pay much attention to women’s college basketball, but I did hear her name a number of times growing up and in my adult life. 

She is always going to be remembered for her basketball coaching ability. Many people, myself included, don’t know another, very important side of the coach.

Yahoo Sports’ Eric Adelson wrote:

Every player who has completed her eligibility either has earned a degree or is on schedule to earn a degree. Think about that.”

Not only did Coach Summitt win championships year after year, she recognized that her girls didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of playing after college, and pushed them to use all 4 years and graduate.

I don’t say that they had a snowball’s chance because they suck, I say it because the marketing and support behind women’s professional sports is non-existent. Because of that, Coach Summitt pushed her kids to earn their degrees and pushed their academics. This woman has a 100% graduation rate on her athletes. That is UNHEARD of. 

I make a lot of sexist jokes, but I can recognize greatness. FFS, this woman is AWESOME. I wish my girls have teachers, mentors, and coaches as great as Coach Summitt.

A TEXT POST

Keep Performing, Monkey!

I stumbled across this article today, about how the 2012 London Olympics organizers asked KEITH FREAKING MOON to perform at the closing ceremonies.

For those that don’t know who Keith Moon was, let’s do a quick recap:

  • Original drummer for The Who
  • One of the gold standards against which all drummers are compared
  • The Muppet character “Animal” is loosely based on Moon…….really, that’s how awesome Moon was.
  • One of the gold standards against which all destructive rock star behavior is compared.
  • Died after overdosing on horse tranquilizers he was taking to curb his alcohol withdrawal.
Animal
You’d drink too, if you were chained to your drums.

You read that right. To curb his withdrawal from alcohol, he thought it would be good to take 32 HORSE TRANQUILIZERS, because fuck aspirin, that’s why.

Anyways, apparently the people that are organizing the Olympics, the worldwide event that happens every 4 years and is hotly contested for the honor of hosting, thought that Moon was alive and well. They wanted the recluse to join up with the rest of The Who for a gig at the closing ceremony. Finally, Moon’s agent let them off the hook.

And I thought, what a bunch of dumbasses. Until I remembered something……

2pac
Tupac Shakur, dead for 16 years, performed at the Coachella music festival in 2012 via crazy accurate and awesome hologram.

So, will we see Moon at this years’ Olympics? It’s a possibility now. Then I thought about the implications of this technology.

It would re-open new genres of artists/actors/people to our youth that may have been lost over the years. Ask your kids if they know who the Beatles are. If not, maybe they can catch a reunion tour. Want to see Marilyn Monroe in a new film? Possible. (I know Forrest Gump did this with JFK, but now they can exist outside of CGI)

On the other hand…..this can be used by film/music companies to hold artists to their contractual obligations. Think about it…let’s say for the sake of argument that tomorrow, Justin Bieber gets hit by his tour bus, dismembering him across several states.

JB was only halfway through his contract of releasing 4 albums for his label. 

His label sues his estate, uses his “likeness” in holographic form to then do a “One (Last) Time” tour, recouping much of the lost revenue from the unperformed portion of the contract….

Double edged sword my friends……

 

A TEXT POST

FFS Friday!

As I was wading across my RSS feed this week, I saw this story a few times…..it’s………it’s just……here, read it. I’ll wait.

Ffs1
Please…by all means, read the full article here. I’ll wait. 

*deep breath*

It’s actually a pretty horrible story about a friend who has sex with another friend while in this “gravy-wrestling model’s” house.

But, she caught 2 of her friends having sex with each other, got pretty upset, shouted at them, only to be hit in the face with the MONKEYWRENCH that was on the floor next to the pair in mid-coitus.

monkeywrench………on the floor……FFS.

I mean, it’s alright if the floor is made of pegboard, and the tool is properly outlined, but I doubt that. 

And the Daily Mail editors deserve a big FFS on this one too. While the title makes you read, the pictures are deceiving. In the picture above you get the model portion of the title, while the “gravy wrestler” portion garners a small paragraph tucked into the middle of the story, accompanied by this picture:

Article-0-127d37cc000005dc-891_634x455
GGGGGAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! 

FFS, Daily Mail, way to make it seem like gravy wrestling, having monkeywrenches laying around the floor of your house, and getting pummelled by brothers of friends is all in a English week for you fine chaps.

A TEXT POST

West Side (of Sacramento) Story

Ok, this really doesn’t have anything to do with parenting, or being a dad, but it is still darkly hilarious.

My wife found a story this evening about 30 women in Sacramento that got involved in a street fight that was apparently organized via Facebook regarding one woman’s “suggestive post” to another woman’s boyfriend.

Re-read that sentence. 

We are now using the networking power of social media to organize GANG FIGHTS.

Knife_fight
Pic from scene uploaded via Instagram

Alright. So, without reading any further than the sentence describing the story I put above, here’s MY interpretation of what happened.

Girlfriend: “What did that bitch just say? She hopes my man has a ‘good night’? Awwwwww hell nawwww”

*clicks Create Event*

Friend of Girlfriend opens Facebook to find she’s been invited to “Beat this Bitch Ass” Event scheduled for tomorrow night. She excitedly accepts and shares to her wall. More friends follow suit. 

Really….read the article, then watch the news story about it. These chicks were HARDCORE. One of them took a candle from a MEMORIAL (read: a shrine to dead people), broke it, and then used it as a weapon.

Yes. She took a Jesus candle, broke it on the street, and prepared to use her Jesus shank on some people.

The two people that had injuries sustained them with BASEBALL BATS. 

What the hell goes on in Sacramento that a mob of 30 crazy women with baseball bats and broken glass doesn’t prompt some kind of hysteria?

Watch the video, the woman that gives the account to the reporter works at the convienience store, and claims many of them “came in to buy drinks”………..

Fresca
Fresca: more refreshing than fracturing that bitch’s skull.

Stay classy, Sacramento.